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jewsterbaggins88
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Name: Danny, Jewster, Jewbacca
Birthday: 10/17/1988
Gender: Male
Interests: Brandeis AZA #1519, Music, Martial Arts, Writing, Acting, Listening to People When They Need the Support, Rikudim, Shirim, B.A.S.H., Hangin' Out
Expertise: Being Random, Being Jewish, Not Math
Message: message me
AIM:  jewsterbaggins88
Member Since:
3/18/2005
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| "All matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself, subjectively. There is no such thing as death. Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves." | | |
| i dont know what hit me. i didnt think id be coming back to this...perhaps ever. i just wanted to say things. i dont know what things exactly, but i know that when life moves at break-neck speeds, reflection cant possibly keep up. it may be 1:09 in the morning, but life has slowed for now, and i will seize this opportunity and reflect
im not all too sure of where to start. i feel like auto-pilot without coordinates plugged in...ready to go but no destination set. i guess ill go with destination anywhere, and just go with the first thing that im thinking about, and thats music. i had a really good piano class today. it really cleared up questions that i never wouldve thought to ask. i love that; when answers are given to you before you even ask the question. youre given a concept youve never thought of before, and then immediately told how it works. its the perfectly-wrapped bundle of clarity. it really cleared up things for me, and its really inspiring me to play. i understand the rules...i want to put them into effect
ive had these terrible drum cravings. when i left for college, i knew that i couldnt possibly bring my drums with me. ive been playing with my sticks non-stop. ive been watching drum solos on youtube. ive been twirling my sticks and air drumming along to nearly every song i hear. i miss my drums crazy much, and im really hoping that i get my electrics soon. i dont know if theyll fit in this tiny room, but i know ill find that the world being more complete when a drumbeat echoes my heartbeat. theres just something natural about drumming, and i wouldnt doubt if it was that the drums embody my heartbeat whenever i play
its the only instrument that i can just play though. ive been playing my guitars every now and then, but i really try to make a brand new song when i play. i dont like just playing chords. it feels plain to me. i dont know why, its the basis of just about all the music i listen to. i keep working towards solos and working those into the fabric of songs. ive made good-sounding riffs, but i really dont know how to just pick up a guitar and make something that sounds good. i have trouble just picking up a guitar and jamming. its annoying. thats what id much rather know how to do
ive been listening to so much music. i just cant get enough of it. ive been listening to the static age a lot, and andrew paley even more. andrew paley's cd white rooms is incredible, and his song "boy" is amazing. i saw absentstar and met them when they opened up for third eye blind. they ended up recording that show, so ill be on their live album! of course, no one will know its me since ill just be a voice in the crowd, but im going to be on a cd!
music was the biggest thing i wanted to discuss for whatever reason. i dont know where to take my life. there are too many directions to fathom. but there is one thing that ive wanted forever, and ill never stop wanting: knowledge. theres simply too many things to know. i have too many interests. i have no idea how to pick a future out of those interests. i cant stick with just one thing. id miss everything else. i dont want to play darts. i want to play the dart board. i dont want to hit one part of the board, i want to own them all, and see what each part is about. the one goal that i have for myself that does not involve anyone but me, will never change, and that is to know at least a little bit about everything. i know i cant be an expert in everything, and itll be something major if i become an expert in anything at all, but if i know a little bit about everything, ill feel that i at least began to understand. life will be more full and i will feel that i had a firmer grasp on everything that there was. ill know that i really went to great lengths to make the most of the world and my place in it
its the same with music. i want to be able to understand the inner and outer workings of music. i want to be able to play every instrument, or at least give them all a try. i want to make something thats never been made before. i want to find the essence of what is truly beautiful and replicate it
im not looking to be the best at everything. i know its impossible. ill try with the things that mean the most to me, but for the rest, i just want to participate. i dont need to be the best...but i will want to try, even if its only for the sake of trying. i want to make memories and see and feel everything that is made to be seen and felt
i have isolated this one thought from the rest. this is what i want. i want to understand everything. i want to feel everything. i want to find all of the things available to me in the world and make use of them. i want to learn and i want to grow
everyone wants to happy. everyone desires success. everyone wants to be loved. everyone wants to be accepted. everyone desires meaning. but not everyone desires at least a little bit of understanding on everything. i have all of those universal goals, but i also have this one individualized goal, and i think that this is what ive been using to keep me going this term
i just wanted to say that for whatever reason. i dont know what you all think about that, wanting to know something about everything, that is. i wanted to write it. no particular reason why. i dont know what hit me, but whatever it was, it did, and now im set
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| im liking life. i usually cant say that without lying. but this time, i know im being honest, and i love that.
there was a period of time where i just didnt write. its not that i couldnt think of anything to say, its that i was incredibly busy with ifs. i started writing again, and some things just poured out through my fingertips and made poems that im really proud of. ive become a tough critic in terms of my own writing. my style has switched to more abstract-written works rather than the straightforward poems i used to write
the transition was smooth. i was excited for college, but i was pretty scared of it at the same time. twelve hours away from home can be a handful, and knowing that this isnt summer camp where you come back at the end of the day can be large weight on your chest. i was scared. id never really been here before. i seemed to find my place in maryland, and knowing how long it took to do that, i didnt know if finding my place in indiana was even worth the time. but i really met a lot of great people at ifs, and i do feel that even if i havent found my place, ive found a place, and thats plenty more then i thought id get after only three weeks
post ifs things are great. i aced that philosophy class, and starting out strong is really helping to keep my focus. im taking hudson holland scholars logic and reasoning (really helps to teach you how to write papers and pick good arguments here), pre-finite (annoying but helpful at the same time), informatics (best class ever!), spanish (easier than i expected), guitar (hard as crap), and r-100 for hillel. the hudson and holland scholars program can be really demanding, but we always have great discussions in there. it really makes you think about things. i loved it on monday where they actually showed us "read a book" in class! it was crazy! informatics is amazing! its a new field, so you graduate with a degree in it, and youre guaranteed a job. its a really interesting field too. my spanish teachers really nice, but its still a slow class. my guitar class i believe may be my hardest class. on one of the first days, the teacher just hands us this piece...by BACH! bachs a friggin' musical genius! ...how can i possibly play this stuff!? the piece, "la bourée," has a melody and bass line, so two instruments could play this song, but no, we have to play both parts at the same time. its crazy hard, and i have so much trouble with it! r-100 hasnt started yet, but jills supposed to be in my class, so im pretty happy about that cause shes great!
the greatest thing i can think of thats going on right now, is my relationship. for almost three weeks ive been going out with this foxy girl who happens to have the same name as me! yeah, dani's a lot of fun! we really started hanging out during the last week of ifs, but weve grown really close in these past few weeks, and im really happy with the way things are. we hang out every day, so its like we're best friends, but going out too, so its 345897234 times better!
we went to the against me! show a couple weeks ago, and it was amazing! she'd never been to a concert before, so she really went wild! i was surprised, since id never seen a show where there were no bouncers! people were actually sitting on the stage! id never seen that before, and it really added to the show. david dondero opened, and were followed by matt and kim who tore the place up. they were INCREDIBLE live! i didnt much like their music, but man they were personable! then against me! came out, and i dont think ive seen show get so wild as this one did when they played "thrash unreal!" it was an amazing show
the show brings me back to today actually. i REALLY wanted to see andrew bird! he played tonight! he sold out at least a week ago, which i was really surprised to hear, since i didnt know he was that well known. but i was in line for the late release tickets. my spanish class was at 4:40 and the tickets were being given out at 5:00, so i went early to my spanish class, and spoke to the professor briefly. told i didnt want him to mark me absent because id be there if i didnt have "somewhere else to be." i didnt want to tell him i was going to be waiting in line for andrew bird tickets that clearly wouldnt fly, but he just said hed use up one of my freebie classes. i waited an hour and a half for a ticket. after all that time, the last ticket was sold to the guy in front of me, because someone in front of him bought two tickets instead of one! i couldve gone if he wasnt ticket-hogging! bah! i hope the person he took at least liked the show!
it was annoying that i didnt make it in after waiting that long, but im kinda glad i didnt go, because when i was having dinner after waiting in line, sara miller called me to wish me a happy birthday! sounds great, until you realize that my birthday is next month. she said facebook said it was my birthday. i thought it was some weird mix up that facebook had, and that i probably wasnt the only person with something weird like that to happen. i went to the library with dani, and logged into facebook, and saw how the hacker had dealt with things. soooooooooo many people wished me a happy birthday. someone commented on a quote by eminem that had mysteriously appeared during dinner. me profile picture was changed to one of noah kaswell and renee braun, so im guessing it was something stupid done by someone back home. the hacker changed my status to "danny is wanting your attention. -love hacker" or something like that. ill agree with my friend brad, who says that he shouldnt call himself a hacker. hackers do cool things, like hack into top secret government restricted mainframes and have movies made about them! they dont hack random peoples facebooks. this wasnt cool, this was dumb and had no point. it was just annoying
whatever, people can be weird. like me...staying up till five on a school night. im going to sleep. g'night all
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| ifs was incredible. i really got a heads-up on college. i met a bunch
of amazing people, i saw what a class would be like, i saw where
everything was on campus, and i had a great time. i think that the jenk
1 floor spirit started to die down towards the end, and that was pretty
sad, but we owned ifs, and everyone else there would agree. i thought
it was pretty crazy how my bbyo connections really helped me in getting
to know some people here. justin mantell coordinated cltc vii this
year, and i met him along with some other big time bbyo people. hes a
cool guy, that justin mantell! michael craig was on my floor, and
that kid is amazing! he knew so many people that i knew! after iltc
last year, i went to kallah west, and he came to kallah east. we knew
so many of the same people...its crazy that we didnt know each other
before! i also met brenden eade, who happens to be from alpharetta! he
was really surprised when i told him that i knew eric silver, because
he ran cross country with him!
i thought that there would be a bunch of nice people here, im just
surprised at how many there are. i had a blast with everyone on my
floor, and i really made some fun times to start off college with. i
think that it wouldve been nicer if it hadnt gotten to be so clickish
by the end, but thats to be expected. i barely got to know some people,
while others i was talking seriously and in-depth with. i tried to have
at least one serious, one-on-one conversation with everyone, and that
didnt work. i spoke with everyone in the graphic novel class, most
people in the philosophy class, and i tried with the freedom of speech
class, but thats where i really had trouble. i was in the "neglected
hallway" as we called it. the bathrooms were in the main hallway, so no
one really had a reason to go down the neglected hallway. the freedom
of speech people were all in that main hallway, and the girls wouldnt
need to go down the neglected hallway either, so that was a bummer. but
whatever, it was a great time, and my dorm was a hell of a lot better
than the one ive got now! its so friggin' hot in here! fifth floor of
read, and theres no a/c! you cant feel any breeze, so its just a
furnace...all the time! its awful!
ifs ended a couple days ago, so everyone went back home. marylands
pretty far, so i stayed here...and im just sitting here bored! i have
nothing to do! cant wait for wednesday, because everyone comes back
then!
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| things are running smoothly for once in a long
time, and yet i cant help but feel a sense of worry. its been going on
for a long time, but i always feel that i am second to someone else. in
someones eyes, in someones heart, and in someones thoughts, i dont feel
that im important enough to make an appearance. i know that i wont come
first for many people, but i know for a few, ill come up, cause i
matter to them. but for others, i just feel that theyre being
two-faced. i think that theyre being extraordinarily fake. they say
that i mean a lot to them, they say they want to see me, and then they
do nothing about it. no calls, no im's, no messages, no invites to
anything, etc. it bothers me. i know that at this age, people get
clickish, but its upsetting. i dont know how much i mean to anyone.
sometimes you can just feel your importance to someone else, and for
some it can be obvious. but i just cant tell for some. i feel for one
friendship in particular, i feel that i am hardly thought of, and when
i am, i feel that it might only be to use me. this girl that im
thinking was like a sister to me at one point, and i just dont know
what happened. i still think so highly of her, and i think of her quite
often, but it just makes me sad when i really feel forgotten by this
individual. she'll say that i mean a lot, but then, like several
others, just never act on her words. this probably sounds ridiculous,
and im probably overreacting, but its how i feel about this. that girl
might be reading this, so if she is, just know that im not mad, i just
want you to know what im feeling. i wish that i could mean more to this
person. i cant just make
myself important, but that way i know that im putting in a good amount
of effort into the friendship. it really weighs me down...probably the
most depressing a friendship could get
note how i say depressing. its odd...because i dont think this
individual feels the same way, because i doubt she even knows i feel
like this. im bound to tell her at some point, but thats going to be a
bad confrontation. i dont like to confront people like this. but im
sick of feeling this way, and without a confrontation, nothing will
feel right. im actually starting to get a bad feeling in the back of my
neck when i think about this. normally thats only something triggered
by my ocd, but its happening with this. maybe ocd is doing something,
forcing me to take everything out of proportion. but it matters to me.
it really does. i leave for college at the end of july, and i dont even
know when ill see her next. i want to fix things before i lose all
contact with her. she probably doesnt think about that, since she lives
it up in the present. but me, i know
how real a possibility it is, and i fear that it's already started. but
since she lives so much more freely than i do, i dont have what she
has, so i just live
trying to protect myself from the future, so that when it crashes down
on me, ill be ready...cause thats how i survive
i just found out about something big going on with her this summer. a big trip that i thought she'd at least tell me
about. i just found out...and i feel so out of the loop. i dont even know where shes going to college.
we used to be
so close...it really hurts being replaced by other people in her life
i just wish i mattered more...
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